I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
