Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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