Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
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for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
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Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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