i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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