im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
