my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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