you turned your livingroom into a bong?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
