fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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