Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Houston, we have a squirter
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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