glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
