I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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