Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
