I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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