The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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