You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I want her autograph on my taint
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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