did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
