She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
