DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
