Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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