Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
