This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
