I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
