Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
please come you make the beer taste better
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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