Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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