guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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