Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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