I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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