they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
