Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i think my cat just said my name.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
