I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
