you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
