I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
