Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
