I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
