I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
someone owes me an orgasm
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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