so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
