from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
