I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
