on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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