so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
