How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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