Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
