Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
