Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
