Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
