so explain again why im purple
no
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
