Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
