well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
