when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
