went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
