I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
