6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
