we have pet lesbian snakes
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
