I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
