You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
