weddingsv make me drug and hornr
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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