i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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