Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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