He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
