Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
