Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?